April 2012
March 2012
February 2012
January 2012
(717): Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I’m pretty much screwed for New Years.
(309): Let’s not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
December 2011
(720): You’re the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
(847): The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
(941): It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
(1-941): Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado … I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
(+44): let’s remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
(651): I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt.
(360): Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message “Merry Christmas” to the guys I’ve been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
(712): That’s because “bed time” is my sex playlist. If you’re trying to fall asleep use “nap time”.
(614): not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, “I’m a peacock, you have to let me fly.” oh, vicodin…
(316): Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call…
(510): Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
(1-510): Tgat was the small dick alert.
(519): I was riding her and she yelled “fuck me” then someone in the room next door yelled “you don’t have to say it if youre doing it.”.
(483): Just had the moment before I realised I’d packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I’m a dick doesn’t she?
(304): I love you more than champagne and correct grammar.
(386): Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
(912): Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
(708): Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
(773): Just arrived at our party.
(319): Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped.
(306): The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It’s glorious.
(210): im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
(574): I don’t even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn’t even pity fuck me today.
(204): we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
November 2011
(404): I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing.
from beyond the cuckoo's nest.: Textsfromlastnight... →
thoughtsfrombeyondthecuckoosnest:
All the best texts are that way because they’re non-sequiturs. They’re entirely devoid of context. And that makes them funny for a few seconds. But then I want to know how the situation came about. I need the full story. I need to know, for example, why this guy got tasered in an Applebees….
Sometimes it’s better not to know the whole story…